Yeah! People are writing!
Okay, I'm warning you, this isn't going to be pretty.
So lately I've been thinking about the perils of "dating up". Or for that matter, the frustrations of "dating down".
Do other people look at things this way? Or am I just a completely egomaniacal/insecure/self-hating/self-absorbed freak?
Here's the deal. It happens. Someone expresses interest in you and you are either a) pleased and totally interested, b) able to generate a little curiousity and willing to give it a chance, or c) not at all interested. And when the response falls into the last category you sometimes can't stop yourself from looking at them and thinking, "Really? Does s/he think we are in the same league?"
You don't say it out loud, but you worry a little about it.
And then you mention it to a friend and they say "Oh my god, you are totally out of his league, what is he thinking?"
And you feel a little bit better.
I am a terrible, terrible person.
But then someone expresses interest who belongs in the ranks of the beautiful people. He is in obsessively good shape and he doesn't have an ounce of fat on his body. And he is really fashionable. Because he's fucking British.
And you look at yourself and you look at him, and you notice where your soft and squishy places are. And you know you have never run more than three miles at a time. And you recognize that you are a prime candidate for What Not to Wear. And you think - "Doubtful. What could one of the beautiful people really see in me?"
And you realize, you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.
So things don't go well with Marathon Man. You knew they wouldn't. And the person who wants you to love them who you just can't bring yourself to love is always lurking in the background, trying to convince you that really, no one will ever, ever love you in the way that he loves you.
And then someone, out of the blue, expresses interest. But he, while not perfection physically (though absolutely cute) is very, very successful. He's very smart. He is doing extremely well in an industry that almost nobody does extremely well in. He has won big prizes for what he does.
And you think "Oh come on. He doesn't want to date someone struggling like me?! And if he does, then that must be some kind of superiority complex thing he has..."
And you know that you are smart, and interesting, and a good friend, and passionate about what you do. But you've been left twice in the past three years and it still smarts a bit and you figure that anyone will just see what the speech writer and the blue eyed man saw that made them both leave.
But you do want someone that is remarkable. You want someone who is amazing. Someone who is brilliant, and interesting, and funny, and smarter than you are.
You're just pretty convinced that you don't deserve what you want.
So you flee from everyone. To avoid either being disappointed or disappointing someone else.
And then the only person you disappoint is yourself.